Sometimes. . .

Aww. . .

Wed, 10 May 2006 17:51:25 GMT

Ride the spiral to the end, it may just go where no ones been. . .

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 08:18:20 GMT

I decided today to go back to high school and get an actual diploma. Tomorrow is my first day of only one semester at Frontier High School in the town of Elizabeth and well...I'm not excited because it's with people who know all about me, but who I know nothing about. Oh, and it's in Elizabeth. But on the plus side, it's closer than anything else and I'll be with an actual diploma in only a few months.

Saturday I have a second interview with Barnes and Nobles up in Lone Tree and I'm so fucking giddy about it. This girl Nicole researched the labor and high school attendance laws this evening for me and since I'm 18, I'm allowed to be there until midnight as long as I'm willing. Ahhh, I can't wait to be working until midnight then going to school at 8am again...especially with that 45 minute drive inbetween. But I suppose I can sacrafice sleep for the job of my nerdy little dreams.

And then of course...tonight I hung out with Kyle for the first time and well, surprisingly had a good time despite how fucking awkward it was. Only reason it was awkward was because the whole time I was thinking of how neat he is and how nice it would be to have someone be like that with me again all the time, but having the fact of it not being Nate taunt me the whole time I was with him. Grr...I don't know why I do this to myself. I've been technically alone since my birthday and I haven't been happier and I've still been all Nate's. Honestly, I'm not ready to be anyone elses and don't think that I ever will be. I still consider myself all to him, even if I'm not 'labeled' that way and I technically have all the freedoms that any single girl of 18 should have. I've been shaping my life since then around being alone by busying myself with 2 jobs and now going back to school and staying busy and making sure that I indulge myself in the time I have alone with me, myself and I at home. Plus I'm so close to getting a job that I wouldn't mind dedicating every second of spare time to and well, I still include Nate in every part of my life and still treat him like I always have. I don't think I'm going to be able to give that up for something that isn't...real, if you will. I have had this problem with every boy that I've been with since I met Nate...they fall in love with me, but I never really fall in love with them. Sounds stupid, but I know a few of you who understand what I'm talking about.

*shrug*

I guess it really doesn't matter. Things will all work out in their own way and in their own time.

For now, I think some much needed rest is well...much needed, so I am off.

Oh, I'm not going back. . .lord knows I'm not going back...

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 04:56:48 GMT

Wee! So, I got a tattoo today. It's the Ohm symbol and it looks fucking awesome. See below for further details and such...it's also only slightly smaller than the picture shows and it's located on the back on my neck.

And then, the funny shade of red that is my hair:

I think it looks alrighty...Nate says it brings out the green of my eyes. LoL.

Uhhh...that is all.

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 06:44:29 GMT

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Meth, acid and lived out of my car.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't even remember if I made any resolutions for this past year, but I know for damn fucking sure I've made ones for this year that are definitely going to test my strength and my willpower.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes...and some even got pregnant, including me.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My moms friends sisters husband, Hub. He took me to a couple concerts when he was still living in CO.

5. What countries did you visit?
None...unless you count the ones that I visited while laying on my couch tripping mushrooms.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
Freedom from meth, tweakers, drama, meat, dairy products and more sleep...also a better job.

7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
- Whenver in April/May when I got pregnant and had my abortion.
- May 27th, the first time I met Nate.
- June 26th, when Nate and I got together.
- September 1st, my 18th birthday.
- September 2nd, the day I got kicked out and kicked off my homelessness for the upcoming month or so and got my heart broken.
- October 7th, the day I moved back home(I've been here ever since).
- Every day inbetween...I can't put them all down, it'd take too long...but I'll never forget the aforementioned ones no matter how much I want to.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Quitting meth and coke and moving and -staying- back home.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Every.Fucking.Thing...but every fucking thing ended up being a success after a lot of effort and a lot of pain and shit.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Countless times being sick from all the shitty drugs, knots on my arms from shooting up said drugs which also left minor scars that have thankfully almost fully faded. I also have myself some nice meth sores and chemical burns variously places on my body and the cartiledge in my nose is hella worn down.

11. What was the best thing you bought/received?
My Nathan Lake.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Uhh...I don't know?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own at times...

14. Where did most of your money go?
Drugs.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Drugs.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2005?
hmm..

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? a little of both.
b) thinner or fatter? definitely thinner by 40 pounds. oi...all since the end of march.
c) richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Not drugs.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Meth.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With Drew for the early morning hours, then with my family for the early morning/afternoon and finally I ended my day with Nate and we tripped our balls off, drank ourselves into a stupor...not to mention I ended up at the hospital with my mom because she couldn't breathe.

21. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Yes...for the last time, too.

22. How many one-night stands?
none

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Family Plots!

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no i still hate the same people. haha.

25. What was the best book you read?
The Celestine Prophecy, Einsteins Dreams and Clockwork Orange.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Modest Mouse

27. What did you want and get?
New shoes, my phone, home and family back.

28. What did you want and not get?
My Nathan Lake 'back'. . .

29. What were your favorite films of this year?
land of the dead, charlie and the chocolate factory and 40 year-old virgin

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I woke up at 4am, bought a pack of cigarettes on my own then did an 8ball of meth with Nate...all before 9am. Then the rest of the day sucked, I didn't see him again until later that night. I got my car registered and all that shit into my name, cleaned our room, did out laundry and threw up a lot. Then of course, resumed to put more speed up my nose, drive around littleton alone crying and miserable because Nate went to hang out with someone else.
It was awesome...hello, 18.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
The lack of meth.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005?
Me.

33. What kept you sane?
Nate.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Carey Hart.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The fact George Bush is still in office and hasn't killed himself due to stupidity yet.

36. Who did you miss?
James...and I've missed Nate since September, even though I've seen him almost every day and almost nothing has really changed.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Of course...my Nathan Lake.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
no matter how careful or how respectable you are in life, events that are out of your control will happen, sometimes very unjustly. you just have to take it one day at a time and you have to be very wary of who you trust and who you let trust you...and of course, it doesn't pay to fuck up relationships with anybody just for another fix.

passin' the kind buds. . .

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 09:35:14 GMT

So, the result of "windowpane-acid", which I guess is just two hits on one blotter paper, is this:

Me: So where is this conversation going right now?
Nate: Into a pointless oblivion.
Me: It was a pointless oblivion from the time I answered the phone.
Nate: So hang up, then. *laflaf*
Me: Okay! *snicker*...*click*

Mwahahahaha.
We're so stupid to one another.

x.x

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart. . .

Sun, 07 Aug 2005 17:43:27 GMT

So there is this little girl who holds her creation in the future. She's a gorgeous little one, this one is. With bright, wavy, glowing blonde locks and deep blue eyes you could drown yourself in. She's our first born and she's daddy's little girl in every respect of the phrase. In her face, heart, mind and soul you can see her fathers reflection. Her name is Indica Lillie...

Friends Only.